I am Fearfully and wonderfully made!

This morning in my devotionals, it talked about looking in a mirror. Not at our outward appearance but look at our inward self, our heart. In todays society we are such selfie based. Whether it's the gym selfie, judgement of our own weight, comparing our selfs to others, or just straight wishing we looked like others. However, God took his time when he made each and every one of us. He knew what strengths and weaknesses to give us, what flaws and what beauties. He knew us before we were born. Our days already recorded in the book of life. He knew if we would choose to believe in his son, and choose to follow him or if we would doubt and just live life. I believe in God the Father, I believe in Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Spirit. I believe and know in my heart that the Bible is truth. I was reading a quote or blog the other day, it said if I live my life for God and die, and there's nothing and I'm wrong I loose nothing, but if I live my life and there is something, theres heaven, all the atheist, agnostics and unbelievers loose everything. I believe that's how it went. Nevertheless, I believe In God, I believe he sent his son to die in my place and take my punishment, so that I can live debt free. Jesus died for us, so we could live. That's hard to wrap my mind around, that jesus loved us so much that he took on sin so we did have to be punished. He could have easily said "No, I don't want to die for these wicked people father." But he didn't, he was man and God, he was humble, wise and scary all at the same time. He asked God if there was any other way to save us, without having to die, but he knew there wasn't. He willingly sacrificed his life for you and me. That's so crazy. How many of us would give our life's to save those we love, those we don't know? I know I would take a bullet for my family, you children and my husband, and my parents, siblings, and my in-laws. In a world that is so self driven, it's a struggle to but God first. Thankfully he's a merciful, and forgiving God, he shows me grace when I forget to read and spend time with him. I am not perfect nor am I claiming to be. My weaknesses and flaws show. I know one of my biggest flaws is I lack tact, I have no filter, and sometimes I spew word vomit. I say things when they pop into my head with out thinking about what it is I'm about to say. It's gotten me in trouble, I've made things awkward and made things great. But sometimes it's a good thing and sometimes it's a bad thing it just depends on the situation.  Anyhow it's really humbling to think about how God, pieced us together in our mothers wombs, he thought about what strengths and weaknesses and flaws and beauties to give us before we were made. He created us in his image, and we are his children. I am thankful for the way God made me, I have my quirks and I have my mess. But I wouldnt ask him to make me any different. I'm proud of who I've grown to be. I'm still growing still changing and I know as long as I pursue him, and have faith that he has me nothing is unattainable. How can you thank God today for the amazing ways he created you?
We have to remember to thank God for the unique ways he created us, and remember to love ourselves. Because we are all fearfully and wonderfully made!!
Psalms 139
GOD BLESS!

Stop shaming, and uplift each other!!

In todays world there are so many issues. From gun control, guns, criminals, to police brutality, to police kindness, to celebrities, to restroom issues. We also have shaming issues, whether it is fat/body image shaming, mother shaming, ect. There are so many negative issues it's unreal. Our workday today seems like it's all about tearing each other down to get ahead, instead of encouraging each other to become successful. Uplifting each other is not normal. If your views or lifestyle doesn't fit the normal itinerary you get harassed.
Being a mom I am constantly hearing about other mothers judging each other because of how they raise their children. We are all human, we all make mistakes, and none of us are perfect. We are all learning what works for us.
As a mother, my husband and I decided it was best if I stay home. I breast fed both of my children. I know mom's who tried and could keep breast feeding, mom's who choose to formula feed, and go back to work. There's no wrong way to do things, however unless your neglectful and harming your children that's wrong! However instead of degrading and tearing each other down for our different views I think we need to start up lifting each other!
No more #breastisbest but instead #fedisbest. I'm not just talking about mom's here there are a lot of issues in our society today. How about no more #blacklivesmatter but instead #alllivesmatter. I think if we started following the rules and encouraging each other our society would change immensely.
Whether you let your baby cry it out, or you never let them cry it out. Or you let your children watch TV or you have set time limits on their TV time. It doesn't matter, we are all our own persons and we all have different parenting styles. We need to start encouraging each other.
Raising children is hard enough, see there's a reason there is that saying it takes a village to raise children and it's so true. Because it takes friends, family, spouses, all coming together encouraging each other to be the best we can be. It is so hard to be honest about our struggles now a days. Because if you open up, people judge whether they mean to or not, and society has this false reality that if you struggle with post partum your not fit. Post partum depression happens to most women, it's normal, and sometimes it's more severe then others. However it's not a topic that people like to talk on. Because in societies eyes your just supposed to push it down and be good and perfect and not struggle. But in reality lots of women struggle with this. Post partum depression is real and it's a dangerous monster to mess with. I've had post partum depression and post partum depression rage. They both suck, and when I had my son and as he got older I had thoughts of hurting him and myself, it was a dark time. I was scared to talk about it cause I thought if I was honest I'd be put in a nut house. Or my son would be taken. But once I opened up and started talking about it, it got easier and there were a lot of women who wanted to help me!! I took the first step and told my husband, I was terrified he would hate me, but I got the opposite reaction he was proud I'd told him. Talking about it helped me not be embarrassed, I stopped holding it I and I was honest with my self and admitting I needed help was scary but so worth it.
After my daughter was born my post partum depression got worse. It turned into post partum depression rage. I was angry all the time. Little things that shouldn't bother me did. My relationship with my son was hurting. I was constantly yelling and being grumpy. I didn't have motivation to really do anything. It wasn't until I saw how angry my son was, that I asked for help again. He was mimicking my anger and rage.
As well one time I lost my control, I was yelling and screaming at my son, and I saw fear in his little-known Brown eyes. Seeing his fear stricken face stopped me in my tracks, I couldn't believe he was afraid of me.
I hadn't wanted to be honest with my self. I grew to resent my husband and son a little bit. But I've grown so much in the past year. Every now and then I loose my control, but I try not to. I love my little family so much. I have come back stronger, from wanting to hurt myself and my son, to doing well.
I feel like if we stop all the shaming of others differences, and we start embracing that we are all different. And start being an encouragement to each other our society would be quite great. A lot less angry and hateful and more full of love and joy.
I thank God that I'm here, that each day is a new day to be better then I was. I'm happy I can share my struggles and no longer am held by my fears and embarrassment by my feelings and by my post partum depression and rage. I've come to find that me sharing my struggles has helped some of my friends.
So I'm going to keep fighting this war inside my heart and I'll keep climbing higher from this moment on!!
GOD BLESS!!!

Joyful mom or monster mom?

Don't get me wrong, I love both of my children. But some days are harder then normal. And some days are the best days ever. I am seeing that most mom's go through this. Some handle it better then others. However recently it's been harder then normal. I become monster mom with my son more times then being joyful with patience. It's hard to find the joy in being a mom, when I want my son to be obedient and listen. He usually has other plans. I ask him to do something it is either followed by me asking multiple times, or me yelling and getting angry, or even him trying to do it and throwing a fit and whining, or just not even trying and whining. The dreadful whining, after awhile it takes its toll where you cannot stand it any longer and your patience is thin and almost gone. The whining usually I am pretty good at ignoring it and standing my ground. However recently monster mom comes out with a vengeance and I am unable to show patience with my son, and even my daughter sometimes. I find my self yelling more then talking in a calm collected Manor, and I find my self getting irritated over the simple little things. I don't know if it is a season and I'll move past this. I'm hoping I can. Today, we had to go grocery shopping, usually it is good. We can get in and out of the stores with little to no fuss. However today was different, today we had fits and tantrums, and not listening. Today we had spankens, and yelling. Today there was little to no patience. Today was rough. I do not know why today was so hard. Maybe because it was my daughters first birthday, but it had its good moments and its crappy moments. Im hopping we dont have any more days like today for awhile. Because I don't want my son to be afraid of me, I don't want my daughter or son to be afraid to talk to me or do something. I want us to have fun and be joyous together. I want to become the mom that stops what I'm doing to read that story one more time, play legos once more. My house is not always the cleanest, and that's because I try to play and be the joyful mom instead of the monster mom, and my lack of time management. Instead of becoming the "not now, in a minute, maybe later mom", I want to be the "okay let's play, read it again okay, sing songs, dance silly and just have fun mom!"  My house my be messy but if I can accomplish this then the mess will be worth it, because of the relationship I'll have with my children. I know that no matter how hard I try the monster mom will still be lurking waiting to spring out. But if I keep having faith and praying I know I can get through this and I know I can become the mom I want to be!  This has been a conviction on my heart for a little bit now, and sharing holds me accountable.

The unnatural rage and anger of postpartum depression: the things not talked about!

So it has been a little bit since I have written a post but this is real, and raw and honestly one of the hardest posts I've written.

Honestly, what goes through your mind when you think of postpartum depression? Do you think of a mom who can't get up out of bed because she is to sad. Or maybe a mom who wears sweats all day and has stopped taking care of themselves. A puffy - eyed, messy hair, mom who just can't win. See, when I first learned about Postpartum Depression, it was a little bit after having my first son, who is now 2 1/2 years old. I envisioned this about mothers who had postpartum depression and I giggled about it. I was naive about all the things that happen and go through your mind when you have postpartum.

I am a happyish mom who is getting stuff done. It may take a few days but I function pretty well. But then the baby starts crying. Toddler starts throwing a fit because he or she can't figure out how to do something by their little independent selves. The phones ringing. Husband gets home in a few minutes. Dinner has yet to be started. Then the tension builds fast and so furious. Your body starts to feel the weight of the stress and pressure. Your shoulders drop, and a weird tingling sensation of anxiety engulfs your whole body and under all that stress you snap. You start screaming out loud. If someone was near you, you might end up strangling them. So instead you swung your fist in the air, because you sorta kinda want to hit something, or even someone. If we are being honest you kinda hate your children, your husband, and your house, your car. All this happens within a few very scary miliseconds of each other, you go from happy mom, to this angry rage monster in seconds. But honestly you don't hate any of them it's just in those few seconds that  you do.

Then the guilt comes, you're a terrible, terrible mother. You shouldn't be able to have children. Your cannot do this. No mother should feel this way ever. By now you must feel like running away with your tail between your legs, with your head hung low in utter shame. Your family deserves so much better then this person you become. Honestly, this is how I am feeling right about now. There is so much rage inside of me that I cannot control. That is probably one of the worst feelings in the world not being able to control your emotions. I wake up most mornings promising myself that I can do this. All I have to do is keep thinking positive thoughts. Mind-over-matter.
Be responsible for my actions and feelings, I am in control. Must have patience and talk softer to my son. But even though I think these things most mornings eventually I fail. Then I think what the hell is wrong with me.

It turns out I might have postpartum depression rage. Although I have not gone to the doctor yet; I have been doing some research, after my husband mentioned he thought I might have rage. I scream at my 2 1/2 year old through out the day for petty little things that don't necessarily warrant me being angry at. I have the positive thinking that I can overcome this. This is something that is hard to share because when it comes to postpartum depression people only talk about the saddness, the thoughts of hurting yourself and others, some of the time. Most of the time no one wants to talk about the anger, the unnatural rage, because it is shameful. It is only shameful because mothers are supposed to be nurturing. Do everything right. Know it alls. Mom's are angels, that watch over tomorrow's leaders. What kind of mother yells at her toddler or children for no apparent reason. Has feelings of hurting them, and has an unnatural rage over everyday occurrences? So far I have read a few post that talk about the rage monsters that get out of control. It is hard to admit that you have an anger problem, because being angry is so much worse in the eyes of society. Most women fear if they speak up and ask for help they will get their children taken from them, but most of the time that is not the case. Make sure to reach out to your ob or midwife and get the help you need.

However I want to tackle this demon. I know that going to see my doctor will help. Then surrounding myself with positive people; of course praying to God and reading his word is what is ultimately going to help me. I know in my heart that eventually it will get better; I just have to ask for help instead of hiding away. I have a bad habit of letting Satan get a foot in the door so he can deceive me. Honestly after i had my son I had thoughts of hurting him. Satan had convinced me that I was the only one whoever felt this way. I felt alone, isolated and like a bad parent. I got on an anti-depressant, after I had told my husband that I was thinking of hurting my son. There was a couple times where I got so overwhelmed that I thought about taking my life as well. Just being done, but my husband helped show me I was worthy, and that I was loved.

Nevertheless, with out God, my husband, medication and a little therapy I might not be here today.  I am a 21 year old and have two children a 2 1/2 year old and a 3 1/2 month old. Postpartum depression is real and not something to take lightly. You can get it right after your birth all the way up past a year. All I know is that going from mom of one to mom of two is a huge adjustment. I'm struggling with it. Not being able to control my rage and anger towards my 2 1/2 year old son is the worst feeling in the world. I truly want to be happy and joyful and love him but it is hard. If your sitting here reading this going "this is me, this is exactly how I feel sometimes." I encourage you to go talk with your doctor and get on medication if they say you should be. I'm not saying that you have to be on medication forever maybe your body needs it for a little bit just to get back in balance. Start the process of getting help. Talk with other mothers, your spouse, most people have felt this way, or something similar. Just don't feel like your the only one because that is Satan and Satan is a liar. Because God wants us to go through life with other people, with our spouse and with a community that can help you as well. Don't be afraid to start talking. This is something I'm learning to do, it's scary but I know I have to do it. I didn't want to share this post but I know that if I can help someone realize they are not alone, then that is a win. Thank you for reading.
"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" philippians 4:13 NASB
God Bless.

Fade

This is a poem I wrote, a few years ago when I was dealing with post partum depression, it was a dark time, and I was in a pretty dark place. If it wasn't for my son Quinn and my husband I don't know where I would be McKenzie wasn't incubating yet lol!! I don't want to be afraid of my dark moments in my life, because they have shaped me. So I'm sharing this to encourage someone, maybe even to help someone realize that they are not alone!!

                   Fade:
My smile has faded, these cracks in the mirror only keep getting bigger and the more I hide away behind  this broken old   mask , the more I realize these tears have been streaming through the cracks and there's no way to stop it.  My old broken mask has to many cracks that were never properly  fixed, this pain I feel inside can no longer be hidden and not delt  with, no longer do I wish to hide. But I'm afraid of what I'll find under the bandage to my surprise. There is a broken girl lost to the world. The only way to go is back to the creator and beg for forgiveness. I don't know where I need to go from here. The only thing I can do is pray we see tomorrow..this fear that creeps from the dark spaces from within terrify me.
I can no longer keep it locked away inside my flesh. It tears like a wild beast at the cage that I locked it in. Trying to forget the monster I locked away inside. Never wanting to let it free so afraid it's gonna break free. The walls of this vessel are deteriorating and soon all that will be left is a broken girl to lost for the world. But maybe maybe with the help of a great savior that lost girl will find herself and the beast inside will be destroyed and the darkness will disappear. The light will finally shine and I will no longer fade into the darkness trying to hide but I will walk in the light. Shining from the heart out making it bright for others to see.

Fifteen months bigger, marriage, and very much alive!!

 Recently, my son Quinn turned fifteen months. He is currently walking, running, learning words, mimicking facial expressions, the infamous arching of the back fit, the head-butting a hard solid object fit, the slap myself fit, and the newest one to the mix, the stick my fingers in my mouth and choke myself, and on occasion make my self hurl for attention fit. Although he throws fits on a daily basis and can be a big turd, and a pain in my butt, I would not change him or trade him for any other baby in the world. Because despite all the frustrating things he does that get under my skin. I was blessed with the opportunity to be a mom to this extremely cute, handsome, and adorably amazing creature, that God crafted and made unique just for Justin and I!!
 I was so unsure about having children. Actually a few years ago you would have heard me say that "I am never having children, well if I do I will be like 36!!!" I had dreams and goals that I wanted to accomplish before I had a little me running a-muck. If you where to ask me if I would change anything from my past so that I would not end up being a mom at 19 my answer would be no. I would have done things a little smarter but i would not change anything about my past that would take Quinn away from me. 
 Yes, it is true that he was the product of a sin, but we turned that sin into a blessing, by doing the right thing, by staying together to raise the baby that we had made, and by sticking together through the hard times and the joyful times. This year will be my two year anniversary, to a man who stole my heart. Yes, we married fast after only knowing each other for about eight months total, it is true that we were still getting to know each other after the marriage was 100% legal. 
 I am twenty years old, I have a son, I am married to a twenty-six year old man of God. Do I care what you think about the situation? No, I do not!! This is why. I was told that we were moving to fast, that I was being dumb by getting married to someone I barely knew, I was too young and I should wait till after I had my son so that I could think Clearly, that we would not make it a year because of the sole fact that we did not really know each other, that we do not have to feel obligated to marry each other just because we were going to have a child together. I was consistently hearing all of these negative things and all these doubters, but that only made it worth the struggles of being a young parent, a young naive mother, and a young wife. Justin and I beat the odds of all the doubt because we are going on year two.
 Yes, we have struggled and we have been great, but I have been blessed, I have been given a man who loves me and provides for our families needs, who does what he can to make things better, who supports me when i make a drastic decision, and a man who loves God so much that i learn from him, and we grow to be one flesh. Who shares the same outlook on marriage that it is forever and that the "D Word"(divorce is the word in case you did not know) is nonexistent. We do not use it, we do not threaten it, I do not even think about it.
 We are doing a great work here, by sticking it out and working through our problems and getting help when needed and just growing up and growing in general, God is so not done with either one of us and I cannot wait for the future, and this is why. Nevertheless we will not stop fighting to become better and become one, a union and a partnership, doing Good works for God, and spreading the Good news!
 See we have this amazing story that God has already Written for us, that he is letting us live out. Our story is not done, a chapter may come to an end, but that means a new chapter will be beginning, a new adventure waiting for your exploration.
 I am blessed to have such a loving husband, a little toddler who is such a blessing and a gift. I say gift because I do not know how much time we will get to spend with him, but I am no longer going to let the delusion that I will see him tomorrow, let me take the time we have to spend together for Granted, because I have and I know now that God could take him tonight, he could take me tonight, and he could take Justin tonight, so I am going to start enjoying every fit, the good and the bad moments that I have with Quinn.
 To the chapter that is ending and the new one that is just beginning, I will live every moment to the fullest and enjoy every little detail, and I will teach Quinn lots of things, good and bad right from wrong.
 Praise be to the God who gives and takes away, who gives us breath every morning we wake up, who gives us life, who loves us unconditionally, who lets us mess up and make our own free willed decisions but still disciplines and loves us!!! 
Say AMEN if you serve a God who is extremely gracious to you, and all your past hiccups!

A confession and a much needed cry for help....

 See even though i am doing a good job raising my son, there are times when i feel like i am failing miserably and that may be because of the fact that it is my first time and i do not know what i am doing most of the time. Or that i wing a lot of the things i do.
 I recently have found that a lot of first time mothers go through the exact same things. They may be a little different in circumstance but over all they are the same scenarios. For instance disciplining your child when they bite hit or just throw fits. I am still learning what to do when he does this and i have a few things that i am going to try.
 But the one thing that i was embarrassed to admit and say that i was struggling with and as i write this i am still having a hard time, writing these words that are admitting something that i hate myself for. 
 Nevertheless i have been getting frustrated and angry and just a little bitter with Quinn. When he hits and bites and throws fits i get frustrated after awhile. But once i am frustrated and nothing seems to work i have been having some thoughts of shaking Quinn, and just hurting him to make him stop. 
 I have talked with some other ladies and i now know that it is normal for these thoughts to occur with your first one. I have prayed about it, and have looked to God to help but i still had these horrible thoughts of hurting my son. Have i, no i have not i have just thought it. But thoughts lead to actions and i do not want to do anything like that because if i did ever hurt Quinn i would feel extremely bad about it. 
 It is so hard to ask someone for help when you feel this way. The natural reaction is to hide it away until you explode and that is never good. I do not like to admit that i need help, but i know that if i do not then i will eventually explode. I have a long ways to go, and i am still learning and still trying to figure it out. 
 I have yelled at Quinn, i have been a little overly rough with him, and i hate my self for it. I feel so alone with all this, because its hard to believe that the ladies that i talked to have gone through this. Even though a lot of women got through things like this. It is even harder having to try to do things differently and try other things when it is just Quinn and I. Justin works from 7:00am to 5:00pm does not get home till 5:30pm and sometimes lately it has been later then that because ever since he hurt his knee and had surgery he has had to go to pt. I have also had to step up and do a lot more then i had to, and it has been a little hard. 
 I am still trying to figure out what to do with my frustrations and these thoughts. i get frustrated very easily with Quinn. When we are out in public i get frustrated and embarrassed very quickly, and the way i act because of how Quinn acts makes others embarrassed of me.
 My awesome husband is trying to help me figure things out and he gives helpful advice, but sometimes he can add to it. I know he is trying to understand why i have these thoughts and get frustrated so easily, but its hard to explain why and i do not have a reason as to why i get frustrated so easily. 
 I know that i just have to keep talking to people and keep asking questions so that i can figure the best thing that works for me. I got some great advice today, i was told that when i have these thoughts, that i should put Quinn in his crib, walk away for as long as i need, put him in his crib and go outside to where i cannot hear him, call someone to come over to take him for a few minutes, leave him in his room and shut the door because he cannot hurt himself, but he can cry and whine for a few minutes and throw a fit by the door while i calm down.
 See i always thought that these where kinda cruel and that i would be a bad parent if i did, but the reassurance that i got from the moms that had done these was a good feeling that it is better to let them throw a fit and cry then to end up shaking them and hurting them or even severely damaging their brains and bodies. 
 But all that i ask is if your reading this then please pray for me and give me any advice that you think would help. This is hard asking for help and putting this out in the open for the whole world to see. But i just need some advice and help from those who know what it is like.
Thank you for reading and if you have helped thank you as well!! i really appreciate it! God Bless!!