So it has been a little bit since I have written a post but this is real, and raw and honestly one of the hardest posts I've written.
Honestly, what goes through your mind when you think of postpartum depression? Do you think of a mom who can't get up out of bed because she is to sad. Or maybe a mom who wears sweats all day and has stopped taking care of themselves. A puffy - eyed, messy hair, mom who just can't win. See, when I first learned about Postpartum Depression, it was a little bit after having my first son, who is now 2 1/2 years old. I envisioned this about mothers who had postpartum depression and I giggled about it. I was naive about all the things that happen and go through your mind when you have postpartum.
I am a happyish mom who is getting stuff done. It may take a few days but I function pretty well. But then the baby starts crying. Toddler starts throwing a fit because he or she can't figure out how to do something by their little independent selves. The phones ringing. Husband gets home in a few minutes. Dinner has yet to be started. Then the tension builds fast and so furious. Your body starts to feel the weight of the stress and pressure. Your shoulders drop, and a weird tingling sensation of anxiety engulfs your whole body and under all that stress you snap. You start screaming out loud. If someone was near you, you might end up strangling them. So instead you swung your fist in the air, because you sorta kinda want to hit something, or even someone. If we are being honest you kinda hate your children, your husband, and your house, your car. All this happens within a few very scary miliseconds of each other, you go from happy mom, to this angry rage monster in seconds. But honestly you don't hate any of them it's just in those few seconds that you do.
Then the guilt comes, you're a terrible, terrible mother. You shouldn't be able to have children. Your cannot do this. No mother should feel this way ever. By now you must feel like running away with your tail between your legs, with your head hung low in utter shame. Your family deserves so much better then this person you become. Honestly, this is how I am feeling right about now. There is so much rage inside of me that I cannot control. That is probably one of the worst feelings in the world not being able to control your emotions. I wake up most mornings promising myself that I can do this. All I have to do is keep thinking positive thoughts. Mind-over-matter.
Be responsible for my actions and feelings, I am in control. Must have patience and talk softer to my son. But even though I think these things most mornings eventually I fail. Then I think what the hell is wrong with me.
It turns out I might have postpartum depression rage. Although I have not gone to the doctor yet; I have been doing some research, after my husband mentioned he thought I might have rage. I scream at my 2 1/2 year old through out the day for petty little things that don't necessarily warrant me being angry at. I have the positive thinking that I can overcome this. This is something that is hard to share because when it comes to postpartum depression people only talk about the saddness, the thoughts of hurting yourself and others, some of the time. Most of the time no one wants to talk about the anger, the unnatural rage, because it is shameful. It is only shameful because mothers are supposed to be nurturing. Do everything right. Know it alls. Mom's are angels, that watch over tomorrow's leaders. What kind of mother yells at her toddler or children for no apparent reason. Has feelings of hurting them, and has an unnatural rage over everyday occurrences? So far I have read a few post that talk about the rage monsters that get out of control. It is hard to admit that you have an anger problem, because being angry is so much worse in the eyes of society. Most women fear if they speak up and ask for help they will get their children taken from them, but most of the time that is not the case. Make sure to reach out to your ob or midwife and get the help you need.
However I want to tackle this demon. I know that going to see my doctor will help. Then surrounding myself with positive people; of course praying to God and reading his word is what is ultimately going to help me. I know in my heart that eventually it will get better; I just have to ask for help instead of hiding away. I have a bad habit of letting Satan get a foot in the door so he can deceive me. Honestly after i had my son I had thoughts of hurting him. Satan had convinced me that I was the only one whoever felt this way. I felt alone, isolated and like a bad parent. I got on an anti-depressant, after I had told my husband that I was thinking of hurting my son. There was a couple times where I got so overwhelmed that I thought about taking my life as well. Just being done, but my husband helped show me I was worthy, and that I was loved.
Nevertheless, with out God, my husband, medication and a little therapy I might not be here today. I am a 21 year old and have two children a 2 1/2 year old and a 3 1/2 month old. Postpartum depression is real and not something to take lightly. You can get it right after your birth all the way up past a year. All I know is that going from mom of one to mom of two is a huge adjustment. I'm struggling with it. Not being able to control my rage and anger towards my 2 1/2 year old son is the worst feeling in the world. I truly want to be happy and joyful and love him but it is hard. If your sitting here reading this going "this is me, this is exactly how I feel sometimes." I encourage you to go talk with your doctor and get on medication if they say you should be. I'm not saying that you have to be on medication forever maybe your body needs it for a little bit just to get back in balance. Start the process of getting help. Talk with other mothers, your spouse, most people have felt this way, or something similar. Just don't feel like your the only one because that is Satan and Satan is a liar. Because God wants us to go through life with other people, with our spouse and with a community that can help you as well. Don't be afraid to start talking. This is something I'm learning to do, it's scary but I know I have to do it. I didn't want to share this post but I know that if I can help someone realize they are not alone, then that is a win. Thank you for reading.
"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" philippians 4:13 NASB
God Bless.
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