See even though i am doing a good job raising my son, there are times when i feel like i am failing miserably and that may be because of the fact that it is my first time and i do not know what i am doing most of the time. Or that i wing a lot of the things i do.
I recently have found that a lot of first time mothers go through the exact same things. They may be a little different in circumstance but over all they are the same scenarios. For instance disciplining your child when they bite hit or just throw fits. I am still learning what to do when he does this and i have a few things that i am going to try.
But the one thing that i was embarrassed to admit and say that i was struggling with and as i write this i am still having a hard time, writing these words that are admitting something that i hate myself for.
Nevertheless i have been getting frustrated and angry and just a little bitter with Quinn. When he hits and bites and throws fits i get frustrated after awhile. But once i am frustrated and nothing seems to work i have been having some thoughts of shaking Quinn, and just hurting him to make him stop.
I have talked with some other ladies and i now know that it is normal for these thoughts to occur with your first one. I have prayed about it, and have looked to God to help but i still had these horrible thoughts of hurting my son. Have i, no i have not i have just thought it. But thoughts lead to actions and i do not want to do anything like that because if i did ever hurt Quinn i would feel extremely bad about it.
It is so hard to ask someone for help when you feel this way. The natural reaction is to hide it away until you explode and that is never good. I do not like to admit that i need help, but i know that if i do not then i will eventually explode. I have a long ways to go, and i am still learning and still trying to figure it out.
I have yelled at Quinn, i have been a little overly rough with him, and i hate my self for it. I feel so alone with all this, because its hard to believe that the ladies that i talked to have gone through this. Even though a lot of women got through things like this. It is even harder having to try to do things differently and try other things when it is just Quinn and I. Justin works from 7:00am to 5:00pm does not get home till 5:30pm and sometimes lately it has been later then that because ever since he hurt his knee and had surgery he has had to go to pt. I have also had to step up and do a lot more then i had to, and it has been a little hard.
I am still trying to figure out what to do with my frustrations and these thoughts. i get frustrated very easily with Quinn. When we are out in public i get frustrated and embarrassed very quickly, and the way i act because of how Quinn acts makes others embarrassed of me.
My awesome husband is trying to help me figure things out and he gives helpful advice, but sometimes he can add to it. I know he is trying to understand why i have these thoughts and get frustrated so easily, but its hard to explain why and i do not have a reason as to why i get frustrated so easily.
I know that i just have to keep talking to people and keep asking questions so that i can figure the best thing that works for me. I got some great advice today, i was told that when i have these thoughts, that i should put Quinn in his crib, walk away for as long as i need, put him in his crib and go outside to where i cannot hear him, call someone to come over to take him for a few minutes, leave him in his room and shut the door because he cannot hurt himself, but he can cry and whine for a few minutes and throw a fit by the door while i calm down.
See i always thought that these where kinda cruel and that i would be a bad parent if i did, but the reassurance that i got from the moms that had done these was a good feeling that it is better to let them throw a fit and cry then to end up shaking them and hurting them or even severely damaging their brains and bodies.
But all that i ask is if your reading this then please pray for me and give me any advice that you think would help. This is hard asking for help and putting this out in the open for the whole world to see. But i just need some advice and help from those who know what it is like.
Thank you for reading and if you have helped thank you as well!! i really appreciate it! God Bless!!
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
To this Generation....
When your in a relationship it is not always happy and joyous. Yeah there are a lot of times where it is good and your enjoying life and each other, and there are times where your relationship gets tested to see if you can jump the hurdle to eventually finish the race. The most perfect looking couple has problems, that perfect family that always seem to have it all together? If you were to ask them if they ever had problems or if they ever still have problems, they will most likely say yes if you know them. But the difference is that over the course of their relationship they learned to jump any and all hurdles because they most likely have a God centered relationship. They probably seek God individually and then together as one. Nevertheless they have gone through trials and tribulations, but it was the fact that they put their faith in God that they got over those hurdles and eventually made it to the finish line of said trials and tribulations.
See anyone can just give up and not try to work through the problems. But its those that keep fighting the good fight that make it. I have come to know many married couples throughout the past two years, many have gone through so much and some have gone through little. But each of them had God as the center of their relationships and no matter what happened they put their faith in God and believed that He would get them through their problems that they were going through. I know that I am only twenty, and I have only been married a year and four months, but I know deep in my heart that because of my faith in the Mighty Holy God that I serve that Justin and I can get through any trial or tribulation.
Trust and forgiveness are also major factors in a healthy relationship. If you do not trust you significant other, and you ask if they are being faithful, or are lying about anything and you still do not believe them, do not just give up. Go to a neutral party someone who can help you work things out. See I believe in the old ways, that if something is broken you fix it, you do not replace it for the newer model but you fix it. If your house is broken you do not spend a lot of money getting a new one, you fix what is broken and improve it. See that is whats wrong with society these days. They teach us young people that if its not working out then you can ditch the person and get someone new. Those are people that you are ditching, not inanimate objects.
See I have seen a marriage fall apart because of their in-laws not liking the spouse. I have seen them split because of distrust, I have seen them try to work it out, but could not because they did not believe that they could work it out, because of their families. It is said that In-laws are a big factor in divorces, or even break-ups. See if your parents do not like your significant other, they start to bad mouth them in front of you behind your back, ect ect. But if you let them dictate your relationship then why are you dating them in the first place? If your not willing to stick up for your significant other to your parents why are you together? You should stick up for your spouse in a respectful way if your parents are bad mouthing them, but make it known that it is unacceptable. See I see a lot of young people now a days having sex, and doing drugs, drinking, smoking, and they are doing all these grown things, thinking that if they do this it makes them an adult. That is not the slightest bit true, engaging in things that should not be partaken in when you are young, does not make you an adult it makes you stupid.
Trust me I am not saying all this, with out proof. I drank, I engaged in sexual things before I wanted to because I was naive to it and did not know that afterwards i would feel disgusting. See I wish i would have done things a little differently, i wish i would have waited for my husband to have sex, i wish i would have been more educated and had a better relationship with God because i did not, i let myself get convinced that everyone was doing it. That it was okay not to wait for marriage. That i was grown enough for sex and alcohol and what not. I was not i seen more bad then good.
Media today is all about showing off skin, wearing skin tight clothing, showing cleavage, and other things. That you have to be this promiscuous girl, and you have to dress revealing to be beautiful. But I can tell you that you do not have to reveal everything to be beautiful, you can dress eloquently and still look beautiful. Guys now a days think that if they act respectful and like a gentleman then they will be shot into the friend-zone, that is not true there are girls out there looking for the gentlemen but you act rude and disrespectful they go for the jerks. i mean i know that this is all of the devil, every dirty deed and everything shown in this world is to make you seek other things instead of God. See the world says if your not getting your needs met you can look somewhere else and just upgrade to the next best thing and you can always upgrade. God says trust in me through your times of temptation and weakness and i will help you through it. See even though Justin and i have problems sometimes i do not threaten divorce when things are hard, because i do not want that to be an option. Divorce is not on the table when its hard and i feel like we wont make it through a problem, but we always find a way to make it through the hard times.
I know i make mistakes and that i am far from perfect but i am not claiming to be perfect either, i am just stating that if more guys and girls had higher standards for themselves and had higher standards for the men and women in their lives and they did not give up so easily but instead worked on their relationships and would seek God first by themselves and then together i think that people would stop breaking up and stop getting divorced. I think that if you got to know each other first and dated instead of getting in bed with people before you got to know them you would not be wondering why he looks at other women or why she flirts with other men, but if you waited for that special someone i think life would be better. I know that when Quinn gets older i am going to raise him to love and seek and know God, then i will let him know how me and his dad met. We met and were sneaking around having sex, and we did not get to know each other first like i would have wanted, i got pregnant and then we got married and we are raising our son, and still getting to know each other in the process. I will not hide anything from Quinn i will talk about sex and other stuff and urge him to wait till he is married but if he does not i wont disown him i will be a little disappointed but i will still love him the same. I want to be honest with my son and i can only hope and pray that he will not follow my mistakes but learn from them, i don't want him to follow mine, but if he chooses to engage in the same decisions that i did i can't be mad because he wants to learn for him self. I will just have to tell him of the repercussions of his actions and what the out come will be. I can only tell him and any other children we have that doing things with out God will only get you this. I can only tell them of my mistakes and hope and pray that they dont want to learn for themselves.
See anyone can just give up and not try to work through the problems. But its those that keep fighting the good fight that make it. I have come to know many married couples throughout the past two years, many have gone through so much and some have gone through little. But each of them had God as the center of their relationships and no matter what happened they put their faith in God and believed that He would get them through their problems that they were going through. I know that I am only twenty, and I have only been married a year and four months, but I know deep in my heart that because of my faith in the Mighty Holy God that I serve that Justin and I can get through any trial or tribulation.
Trust and forgiveness are also major factors in a healthy relationship. If you do not trust you significant other, and you ask if they are being faithful, or are lying about anything and you still do not believe them, do not just give up. Go to a neutral party someone who can help you work things out. See I believe in the old ways, that if something is broken you fix it, you do not replace it for the newer model but you fix it. If your house is broken you do not spend a lot of money getting a new one, you fix what is broken and improve it. See that is whats wrong with society these days. They teach us young people that if its not working out then you can ditch the person and get someone new. Those are people that you are ditching, not inanimate objects.
See I have seen a marriage fall apart because of their in-laws not liking the spouse. I have seen them split because of distrust, I have seen them try to work it out, but could not because they did not believe that they could work it out, because of their families. It is said that In-laws are a big factor in divorces, or even break-ups. See if your parents do not like your significant other, they start to bad mouth them in front of you behind your back, ect ect. But if you let them dictate your relationship then why are you dating them in the first place? If your not willing to stick up for your significant other to your parents why are you together? You should stick up for your spouse in a respectful way if your parents are bad mouthing them, but make it known that it is unacceptable. See I see a lot of young people now a days having sex, and doing drugs, drinking, smoking, and they are doing all these grown things, thinking that if they do this it makes them an adult. That is not the slightest bit true, engaging in things that should not be partaken in when you are young, does not make you an adult it makes you stupid.
Trust me I am not saying all this, with out proof. I drank, I engaged in sexual things before I wanted to because I was naive to it and did not know that afterwards i would feel disgusting. See I wish i would have done things a little differently, i wish i would have waited for my husband to have sex, i wish i would have been more educated and had a better relationship with God because i did not, i let myself get convinced that everyone was doing it. That it was okay not to wait for marriage. That i was grown enough for sex and alcohol and what not. I was not i seen more bad then good.
Media today is all about showing off skin, wearing skin tight clothing, showing cleavage, and other things. That you have to be this promiscuous girl, and you have to dress revealing to be beautiful. But I can tell you that you do not have to reveal everything to be beautiful, you can dress eloquently and still look beautiful. Guys now a days think that if they act respectful and like a gentleman then they will be shot into the friend-zone, that is not true there are girls out there looking for the gentlemen but you act rude and disrespectful they go for the jerks. i mean i know that this is all of the devil, every dirty deed and everything shown in this world is to make you seek other things instead of God. See the world says if your not getting your needs met you can look somewhere else and just upgrade to the next best thing and you can always upgrade. God says trust in me through your times of temptation and weakness and i will help you through it. See even though Justin and i have problems sometimes i do not threaten divorce when things are hard, because i do not want that to be an option. Divorce is not on the table when its hard and i feel like we wont make it through a problem, but we always find a way to make it through the hard times.
I know i make mistakes and that i am far from perfect but i am not claiming to be perfect either, i am just stating that if more guys and girls had higher standards for themselves and had higher standards for the men and women in their lives and they did not give up so easily but instead worked on their relationships and would seek God first by themselves and then together i think that people would stop breaking up and stop getting divorced. I think that if you got to know each other first and dated instead of getting in bed with people before you got to know them you would not be wondering why he looks at other women or why she flirts with other men, but if you waited for that special someone i think life would be better. I know that when Quinn gets older i am going to raise him to love and seek and know God, then i will let him know how me and his dad met. We met and were sneaking around having sex, and we did not get to know each other first like i would have wanted, i got pregnant and then we got married and we are raising our son, and still getting to know each other in the process. I will not hide anything from Quinn i will talk about sex and other stuff and urge him to wait till he is married but if he does not i wont disown him i will be a little disappointed but i will still love him the same. I want to be honest with my son and i can only hope and pray that he will not follow my mistakes but learn from them, i don't want him to follow mine, but if he chooses to engage in the same decisions that i did i can't be mad because he wants to learn for him self. I will just have to tell him of the repercussions of his actions and what the out come will be. I can only tell him and any other children we have that doing things with out God will only get you this. I can only tell them of my mistakes and hope and pray that they dont want to learn for themselves.
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