Fade

This is a poem I wrote, a few years ago when I was dealing with post partum depression, it was a dark time, and I was in a pretty dark place. If it wasn't for my son Quinn and my husband I don't know where I would be McKenzie wasn't incubating yet lol!! I don't want to be afraid of my dark moments in my life, because they have shaped me. So I'm sharing this to encourage someone, maybe even to help someone realize that they are not alone!!

                   Fade:
My smile has faded, these cracks in the mirror only keep getting bigger and the more I hide away behind  this broken old   mask , the more I realize these tears have been streaming through the cracks and there's no way to stop it.  My old broken mask has to many cracks that were never properly  fixed, this pain I feel inside can no longer be hidden and not delt  with, no longer do I wish to hide. But I'm afraid of what I'll find under the bandage to my surprise. There is a broken girl lost to the world. The only way to go is back to the creator and beg for forgiveness. I don't know where I need to go from here. The only thing I can do is pray we see tomorrow..this fear that creeps from the dark spaces from within terrify me.
I can no longer keep it locked away inside my flesh. It tears like a wild beast at the cage that I locked it in. Trying to forget the monster I locked away inside. Never wanting to let it free so afraid it's gonna break free. The walls of this vessel are deteriorating and soon all that will be left is a broken girl to lost for the world. But maybe maybe with the help of a great savior that lost girl will find herself and the beast inside will be destroyed and the darkness will disappear. The light will finally shine and I will no longer fade into the darkness trying to hide but I will walk in the light. Shining from the heart out making it bright for others to see.

Fifteen months bigger, marriage, and very much alive!!

 Recently, my son Quinn turned fifteen months. He is currently walking, running, learning words, mimicking facial expressions, the infamous arching of the back fit, the head-butting a hard solid object fit, the slap myself fit, and the newest one to the mix, the stick my fingers in my mouth and choke myself, and on occasion make my self hurl for attention fit. Although he throws fits on a daily basis and can be a big turd, and a pain in my butt, I would not change him or trade him for any other baby in the world. Because despite all the frustrating things he does that get under my skin. I was blessed with the opportunity to be a mom to this extremely cute, handsome, and adorably amazing creature, that God crafted and made unique just for Justin and I!!
 I was so unsure about having children. Actually a few years ago you would have heard me say that "I am never having children, well if I do I will be like 36!!!" I had dreams and goals that I wanted to accomplish before I had a little me running a-muck. If you where to ask me if I would change anything from my past so that I would not end up being a mom at 19 my answer would be no. I would have done things a little smarter but i would not change anything about my past that would take Quinn away from me. 
 Yes, it is true that he was the product of a sin, but we turned that sin into a blessing, by doing the right thing, by staying together to raise the baby that we had made, and by sticking together through the hard times and the joyful times. This year will be my two year anniversary, to a man who stole my heart. Yes, we married fast after only knowing each other for about eight months total, it is true that we were still getting to know each other after the marriage was 100% legal. 
 I am twenty years old, I have a son, I am married to a twenty-six year old man of God. Do I care what you think about the situation? No, I do not!! This is why. I was told that we were moving to fast, that I was being dumb by getting married to someone I barely knew, I was too young and I should wait till after I had my son so that I could think Clearly, that we would not make it a year because of the sole fact that we did not really know each other, that we do not have to feel obligated to marry each other just because we were going to have a child together. I was consistently hearing all of these negative things and all these doubters, but that only made it worth the struggles of being a young parent, a young naive mother, and a young wife. Justin and I beat the odds of all the doubt because we are going on year two.
 Yes, we have struggled and we have been great, but I have been blessed, I have been given a man who loves me and provides for our families needs, who does what he can to make things better, who supports me when i make a drastic decision, and a man who loves God so much that i learn from him, and we grow to be one flesh. Who shares the same outlook on marriage that it is forever and that the "D Word"(divorce is the word in case you did not know) is nonexistent. We do not use it, we do not threaten it, I do not even think about it.
 We are doing a great work here, by sticking it out and working through our problems and getting help when needed and just growing up and growing in general, God is so not done with either one of us and I cannot wait for the future, and this is why. Nevertheless we will not stop fighting to become better and become one, a union and a partnership, doing Good works for God, and spreading the Good news!
 See we have this amazing story that God has already Written for us, that he is letting us live out. Our story is not done, a chapter may come to an end, but that means a new chapter will be beginning, a new adventure waiting for your exploration.
 I am blessed to have such a loving husband, a little toddler who is such a blessing and a gift. I say gift because I do not know how much time we will get to spend with him, but I am no longer going to let the delusion that I will see him tomorrow, let me take the time we have to spend together for Granted, because I have and I know now that God could take him tonight, he could take me tonight, and he could take Justin tonight, so I am going to start enjoying every fit, the good and the bad moments that I have with Quinn.
 To the chapter that is ending and the new one that is just beginning, I will live every moment to the fullest and enjoy every little detail, and I will teach Quinn lots of things, good and bad right from wrong.
 Praise be to the God who gives and takes away, who gives us breath every morning we wake up, who gives us life, who loves us unconditionally, who lets us mess up and make our own free willed decisions but still disciplines and loves us!!! 
Say AMEN if you serve a God who is extremely gracious to you, and all your past hiccups!

A confession and a much needed cry for help....

 See even though i am doing a good job raising my son, there are times when i feel like i am failing miserably and that may be because of the fact that it is my first time and i do not know what i am doing most of the time. Or that i wing a lot of the things i do.
 I recently have found that a lot of first time mothers go through the exact same things. They may be a little different in circumstance but over all they are the same scenarios. For instance disciplining your child when they bite hit or just throw fits. I am still learning what to do when he does this and i have a few things that i am going to try.
 But the one thing that i was embarrassed to admit and say that i was struggling with and as i write this i am still having a hard time, writing these words that are admitting something that i hate myself for. 
 Nevertheless i have been getting frustrated and angry and just a little bitter with Quinn. When he hits and bites and throws fits i get frustrated after awhile. But once i am frustrated and nothing seems to work i have been having some thoughts of shaking Quinn, and just hurting him to make him stop. 
 I have talked with some other ladies and i now know that it is normal for these thoughts to occur with your first one. I have prayed about it, and have looked to God to help but i still had these horrible thoughts of hurting my son. Have i, no i have not i have just thought it. But thoughts lead to actions and i do not want to do anything like that because if i did ever hurt Quinn i would feel extremely bad about it. 
 It is so hard to ask someone for help when you feel this way. The natural reaction is to hide it away until you explode and that is never good. I do not like to admit that i need help, but i know that if i do not then i will eventually explode. I have a long ways to go, and i am still learning and still trying to figure it out. 
 I have yelled at Quinn, i have been a little overly rough with him, and i hate my self for it. I feel so alone with all this, because its hard to believe that the ladies that i talked to have gone through this. Even though a lot of women got through things like this. It is even harder having to try to do things differently and try other things when it is just Quinn and I. Justin works from 7:00am to 5:00pm does not get home till 5:30pm and sometimes lately it has been later then that because ever since he hurt his knee and had surgery he has had to go to pt. I have also had to step up and do a lot more then i had to, and it has been a little hard. 
 I am still trying to figure out what to do with my frustrations and these thoughts. i get frustrated very easily with Quinn. When we are out in public i get frustrated and embarrassed very quickly, and the way i act because of how Quinn acts makes others embarrassed of me.
 My awesome husband is trying to help me figure things out and he gives helpful advice, but sometimes he can add to it. I know he is trying to understand why i have these thoughts and get frustrated so easily, but its hard to explain why and i do not have a reason as to why i get frustrated so easily. 
 I know that i just have to keep talking to people and keep asking questions so that i can figure the best thing that works for me. I got some great advice today, i was told that when i have these thoughts, that i should put Quinn in his crib, walk away for as long as i need, put him in his crib and go outside to where i cannot hear him, call someone to come over to take him for a few minutes, leave him in his room and shut the door because he cannot hurt himself, but he can cry and whine for a few minutes and throw a fit by the door while i calm down.
 See i always thought that these where kinda cruel and that i would be a bad parent if i did, but the reassurance that i got from the moms that had done these was a good feeling that it is better to let them throw a fit and cry then to end up shaking them and hurting them or even severely damaging their brains and bodies. 
 But all that i ask is if your reading this then please pray for me and give me any advice that you think would help. This is hard asking for help and putting this out in the open for the whole world to see. But i just need some advice and help from those who know what it is like.
Thank you for reading and if you have helped thank you as well!! i really appreciate it! God Bless!!

To this Generation....

 When your in a relationship it is not always happy and joyous. Yeah there are a lot of times where it is good and your enjoying life and each other, and there are times where your relationship gets tested to see if you can jump the hurdle to eventually finish the race. The most perfect looking couple has problems, that perfect family that always seem to have it all together? If you were to ask them if they ever had problems or if they ever still have problems, they will most likely say yes if you know them. But the difference is that over the course of their relationship they learned to jump any and all hurdles because they most likely have a God centered relationship. They probably seek God individually and then together as one. Nevertheless they have gone through trials and tribulations, but it was the fact that they put their faith in God that they got over those hurdles and eventually made it to the finish line of said trials and tribulations.
 See anyone can just give up and not try to work through the problems. But its those that keep fighting the good fight that make it. I have come to know many married couples throughout the past two years, many have gone through so much and some have gone through little. But each of them had God as the center of their relationships and no matter what happened they put their faith in God and believed that He would get them through their problems that they were going through. I know that I am only twenty, and I have only been married a year and four months, but I know deep in my heart that because of my faith in the Mighty Holy God that I serve that Justin and I can get through any trial or tribulation. 
 Trust and forgiveness are also major factors in a healthy relationship. If you do not trust you significant other, and you ask if they are being faithful, or are lying about anything and you still do not believe them, do not just give up. Go to a neutral party someone who can help you work things out. See I believe in the old ways, that if something is broken you fix it, you do not replace it for the newer model but you fix it. If your house is broken you do not spend a lot of money getting a new one, you fix what is broken and improve it. See that is whats wrong with society these days. They teach us young people that if its not working out then you can ditch the person and get someone new. Those are people that you are ditching, not inanimate objects. 
 See I have seen a marriage fall apart because of their in-laws not liking the spouse. I have seen them split because of distrust, I have seen them try to work it out, but could not because they did not believe that they could work it out, because of their families. It is said that In-laws are a big factor in divorces, or even break-ups. See if your parents do not like your significant other, they start to bad mouth them in front of you behind your back, ect ect. But if you let them dictate your relationship then why are you dating them in the first place? If your not willing to stick up for your significant other to your parents why are you together? You should stick up for your spouse in a respectful way if your parents are bad mouthing them, but make it known that it is unacceptable. See I see a lot of young people now a days having sex, and doing drugs, drinking, smoking, and they are doing all these grown things, thinking that if they do this it makes them an adult. That is not the slightest bit true, engaging in things that should not be partaken in when you are young, does not make you an adult it makes you stupid. 
 Trust me I am not saying all this, with out proof. I drank, I engaged in sexual things before I wanted to because I was naive to it and did not know that afterwards i would feel disgusting. See I wish i would have done things a little differently, i wish i would have waited  for my husband to have sex, i wish i would have been more educated and had a better relationship with God because i did not, i let myself get convinced that everyone was doing it. That it was okay not to wait for marriage. That i was grown enough for sex and alcohol and what not. I was not i seen more bad then good. 
 Media today is all about showing off skin, wearing skin tight clothing, showing cleavage, and other things. That you have to be this promiscuous girl, and you have to dress revealing to be beautiful. But I can tell you that you do not have to reveal everything to be beautiful, you can dress eloquently and still look beautiful. Guys now a days think that if they act respectful and like a gentleman then they will be shot into the friend-zone, that is not true there are girls out there looking for the gentlemen but you act rude and disrespectful they go for the jerks. i mean i know that this is all of the devil, every dirty deed and everything shown in this world is to make you seek other things instead of God. See the world says if your not getting your needs met you can look somewhere else and just upgrade to the next best thing and you can always upgrade. God says trust in me through your times of temptation and weakness and i will help you through it. See even though Justin and i have problems sometimes i do not threaten divorce when things are hard, because i do not want that to be an option. Divorce is not on the table when its hard and i feel like we wont make it through a problem, but we always find a way to make it through the hard times. 
 I know i make mistakes and that i am far from perfect but i am not claiming to be perfect either, i am just stating that if more guys and girls had higher standards for themselves and had higher standards for the men and women in their lives and they did not give up so easily but instead worked on their relationships and would seek God first by themselves and then together i think that people would stop breaking up and stop getting divorced. I think that if you got to know each other first and dated instead of getting in bed with people before you got to know them you would not be wondering why he looks at other women or why she flirts with other men, but if you waited for that special someone i think life would be better. I know that when Quinn gets older i am going to raise him to love and seek and know God, then i will let him know how me and his dad met. We met and were sneaking around having sex, and we did not get to know each other first like i would have wanted, i got pregnant and then we got married and we are raising our son, and still getting to know each other in the process. I will not hide anything from Quinn i will talk about sex and other stuff and urge him to wait till he is married but if he does not i wont disown him i will be a little disappointed but i will still love him the same. I want to be honest with my son and i can only hope and pray that he will not follow my mistakes but learn from them, i don't want him to follow mine, but if he chooses to engage in the same decisions that i did i can't be mad because he wants to learn for him self. I will just have to tell him of the repercussions of his actions and what the out come will be. I can only tell him and any other children we have that doing things with out God will only get you this. I can only tell them of my mistakes and hope and pray that they dont want to learn for themselves.

The Joys of Parenthood.

 The crazy busy life that goes on in the cafe Zupas, is always loud, and super busy there is never a dull moment. There are over a hundred conversations going on all at once. 
 Today though the sun is shining and the day is good. What more could you want? It is the perfect day to go for a walk and maybe play in the park. Today the possibilities are endless. There is so much you can do.
 I think that later we will go to the park and take a walk maybe go down a few slides, who knows. I am so excited for summer to come because as Quinn is walking slowly but surely, yes walking he is taking about ten steps every time and more and more he walks with out the help of Justin or I. It is so crazy to think that he in the next few weeks he will be walking so very well I am going to have to try to keep up.
 I know that as he starts to walk that everything will have to be baby proofed to the max because, it is not when they are making noise that you have to be worried about, it is when you can no longer hear them that you have to worry. This has been proven to be so true, I will be cleaning or putting something away in one room and i will hear him. But as soon as I no longer hear him I automatically will go to see what is happening and surly enough he is getting in to something that he should not be getting into.
 Regardless I love that little booger to death. He is my world and I am just so happy that I have Justin to share this amazing thing called parenting with. 
 Before I met Justin I will admit it. I would say I am not having Children till I am like forty. But as you can see that did not happen as I would have liked,But I do not regret anything because i have a wonderful handsome big baby boy. But ever since I had Quinn that all changed and I find my self wanting another, because I have a little Justin but i want a little me. But we are going to wait on that. But having a child changes your heart. It changes it for the better, anyone who has had children will understand, that no matter what it is the most amazing thing in this world. To get to see them learn things, like rolling over, holding their head up, to crawling like an army man, to crawling on their knees and hands, to pulling their selves up to everything, to starting to walk. Getting to watch him grow and learn shapes and how to stack blocks, is one of the greatest experiences in the world. 
 I would not change my life for anything in the world, I would make all the decisions I made over again but maybe be a little smarter with some of the things I have done. But i know that i was supposed to have Quinn, maybe not the way he had first come about through the sins of Justin and I. But that sin Turned into the biggest little cutest blessing I could have ever imagined and I am excited to tell that story of how you can turn a mistake into a amazing blessing by trusting God and making the best of any situation. 
 Nevertheless, you can make anything into a wonderful blessing, you have to choose to find the good in things. Because you can take a bad situation and make it worse or you can choose to make a bad situation great with Gods help you can go and do anything. I love the life that I have right now and I am please to say that I would not have it any other way. 
 -I would like to say thank you to all of those who have been taking the time to read my blog, and rants. I am really enjoying writing like this and am glad that I get to share with my friends and family.

Today I Celebrate My Other Halfs Birthday!!!!

 Today is a day to celebrate the birth of a man that stole my heart! A man who is a great Father to his Son, a great friend to those who need a friend, and to those who just need advice. He is wise beyond his age, some say his soul is that of an old man. I love him more then he knows. 
 We have been married now for one year and three months but we are coming up on knowing each other for two years now!! Although I love him more then anything, we have our ups and downs like normal married couples but it is the love we share for Jesus Christ that keeps us fighting through the trials and tribulations that come with marriage. All the insecurities and the childish remarks that make things difficult. But if i could go back to the day that we got married i would do it all over again, i would choose you every time Justin Warenski, because i love you everyday more and more. 
 I know that i can be hard to deal with, and hard to love at times but its the fact that you keep choosing to love me unconditional through it all. We both know at times loving each other is hard just because of the fact that our personalities and the human nature in us wants to not be loving.
 I love the way you are sarcastic and funny, how you can make me smile when i am grumpy. How you make Quinn smile often and how you play with him. How you let me go have some me time with out Quinn and you take care of him. I am thankful that you work and provide for us so that i can stay home and take care of Quinn. I am so thankful for everything you do to provide for us no matter the cost. You are such an amazing man and I am just so happy that you are mine and that i get to love you now till forever!!
 You may not know this but, because of you I continue to strive to be better then I just was. You have shown me a way to live that honors God, and a way to live that helps those in need and shows grace and love to those who need it. To help anyone who needs help and not turn them away. Because of you I have grown closer to God our Hevenly Father. I am so proud to point at you and say that man right there is my husband, my friend, and an Awesome Man Of GOD!!!
 I know in my heart and my soul that we are going to be together for a long time no matter what comes our way, we will get through it because of our love for Jesus Christ and each other he will help us through anything. 
 I know that you strongly dislike celebrating your birthday, but I think that i deserve to celebrate the man who stole my heart and all my love(well besides Quinn who has my love as well), but you should be celebrated by those who love you the most. So to you I say HAPPY 26TH BIRTHDAY JUSTIN WARENSKI!!!!
 So I pray that God Continues to Bless you and that your faith in him continues to grow immensely, and that we continue to grow together and become one!! 
I love you so so so so so so so much you have no idea. Thank you for continuing to stick with my craziness and what not!! 

A look into the LIfe of a Parent!

 Today is the first time that I am branching out and sharing my thoughts. Two days ago I witnessed something incredible. I had the chance of seeing my eleven month old son figure out what stairs were.
 He had only a few times encountered the stairs but this time was different, he was determined and had two of his biggest cheerleaders cheering him on. So with the determination to make it to the top of the stairs, he was not sure at first, but with a little push and help from me his mom. He started his trek up the steep stairs.
 At first he was slow but the second and third time around he had them down like it was a second nature to him. He has many more things that I will be able to help him with. Such as him walking, he is almost there. He just needs to build up his confidence a little bit, because he is trying to take steps from the couch a lot and I could not be more proud of him.
 It is not all happy and joyous every second of the day. There are times where he can be a little hard to take care of, but the smile he gives makes the days he is hard to handle all the more worth it. Sometimes I feel as though I am doing a horrible job at parenting him and I am failing miserably, but then I see him learn something as simple as crawling up the stairs and I know that I am not failing.
 This is 100% my first go around at being a parent, I have seen what not to do at raising children and I am still learning the right way to this whole parenting thing. I know that if I put my trust and faith in my savior Jesus Christ, then I can do things the right way.
 I know that no one person is perfect and I understand that we all fail at times, but it is in those times that we fail that we see our character and we see how far we can go. Jesus was the only person who was ultimately Perfect in everyway.
 We are born sinful, you can see it in the way a child defies their parent. Whether it is getting clothes on to go to bed, to not wanting to eat what was made for dinner. Sin is in our DNA and the only way we can break free from the chains of sin is through Jesus Christ and through our faith in God and Jesus.
 Ultimately, the best thing I have come to notice about parenting is the smile of your child and how happy they get when you play with them or just spend time with them. Sometimes you have to take a break though, even if you do not want to you need to, because if you do not then you could end up hurting your child and you would feel horrible about it.
 So to wrap up my very first blog, I know it is all over the place but oh well. I am pleased with how my thoughts can out, Thanks for reading.