See even though i am doing a good job raising my son, there are times when i feel like i am failing miserably and that may be because of the fact that it is my first time and i do not know what i am doing most of the time. Or that i wing a lot of the things i do.
I recently have found that a lot of first time mothers go through the exact same things. They may be a little different in circumstance but over all they are the same scenarios. For instance disciplining your child when they bite hit or just throw fits. I am still learning what to do when he does this and i have a few things that i am going to try.
But the one thing that i was embarrassed to admit and say that i was struggling with and as i write this i am still having a hard time, writing these words that are admitting something that i hate myself for.
Nevertheless i have been getting frustrated and angry and just a little bitter with Quinn. When he hits and bites and throws fits i get frustrated after awhile. But once i am frustrated and nothing seems to work i have been having some thoughts of shaking Quinn, and just hurting him to make him stop.
I have talked with some other ladies and i now know that it is normal for these thoughts to occur with your first one. I have prayed about it, and have looked to God to help but i still had these horrible thoughts of hurting my son. Have i, no i have not i have just thought it. But thoughts lead to actions and i do not want to do anything like that because if i did ever hurt Quinn i would feel extremely bad about it.
It is so hard to ask someone for help when you feel this way. The natural reaction is to hide it away until you explode and that is never good. I do not like to admit that i need help, but i know that if i do not then i will eventually explode. I have a long ways to go, and i am still learning and still trying to figure it out.
I have yelled at Quinn, i have been a little overly rough with him, and i hate my self for it. I feel so alone with all this, because its hard to believe that the ladies that i talked to have gone through this. Even though a lot of women got through things like this. It is even harder having to try to do things differently and try other things when it is just Quinn and I. Justin works from 7:00am to 5:00pm does not get home till 5:30pm and sometimes lately it has been later then that because ever since he hurt his knee and had surgery he has had to go to pt. I have also had to step up and do a lot more then i had to, and it has been a little hard.
I am still trying to figure out what to do with my frustrations and these thoughts. i get frustrated very easily with Quinn. When we are out in public i get frustrated and embarrassed very quickly, and the way i act because of how Quinn acts makes others embarrassed of me.
My awesome husband is trying to help me figure things out and he gives helpful advice, but sometimes he can add to it. I know he is trying to understand why i have these thoughts and get frustrated so easily, but its hard to explain why and i do not have a reason as to why i get frustrated so easily.
I know that i just have to keep talking to people and keep asking questions so that i can figure the best thing that works for me. I got some great advice today, i was told that when i have these thoughts, that i should put Quinn in his crib, walk away for as long as i need, put him in his crib and go outside to where i cannot hear him, call someone to come over to take him for a few minutes, leave him in his room and shut the door because he cannot hurt himself, but he can cry and whine for a few minutes and throw a fit by the door while i calm down.
See i always thought that these where kinda cruel and that i would be a bad parent if i did, but the reassurance that i got from the moms that had done these was a good feeling that it is better to let them throw a fit and cry then to end up shaking them and hurting them or even severely damaging their brains and bodies.
But all that i ask is if your reading this then please pray for me and give me any advice that you think would help. This is hard asking for help and putting this out in the open for the whole world to see. But i just need some advice and help from those who know what it is like.
Thank you for reading and if you have helped thank you as well!! i really appreciate it! God Bless!!
Bronte,
ReplyDeleteI promise you are not the only one going through this. When I first had Coen I would get so frustrated, I would cry. I was sleep-deprived, hungry and felt alone. The best thing you can do is make sure you eat, make sure you are getting some sleep. (Naps are your friend!) and know when you need a break. I used to feel so guilty for "needing a break" from my own kid but the fact of the matter is, when you are a new mother you are spending a lot of time alone with this little person that can't tell you what he wants, can't communicate with you except for crying and constantly needs you. We go from only having to worrying about ourselves to only thinking about this other person all the time and never thinking about ourselves. It's hard. When I felt myself getting frustrated I would put Coen in his crib and close the door and walk away. Sometimes to just go take some deep breaths, to cry, to pray...whatever. Some days I would tell Mike that I was going for a drive or go get a pedicure or something just to have some "Me" time. You can't put it all on yourself. I was trying to be the perfect little housewife, dinner ready, perfect house, clothes washed, happy baby and let Mike relax at the end of a long work day. The fact of the matter is, that is just unrealistic. Nothing is going to be perfect, because we are not perfect people. Our kids are going to embarrass us, they are going to have tantrums, they are going to make us crazy, they are going to be defiant etc..etc.. but that's how they learn. And...that's how we learn to deal with it as parents. Don't be embarrassed because i'm sure 100% of mothers that see you in public have been through the same thing with their kids, and the people that don't have kids....They will be in your shoes someday themselves. Just like our mothers tried to tell us. Just remember that you've gotta Try to be Patient, Positive and Persistent. He will learn better that way. And when you don't have it in you to be any of those....it's ok to take a break! Motherhood is one of the hardest yet most rewarding things I have ever done in my life. I'm learning more about myself than I ever have. It's not easy, but nothing worth having ever comes easy. Don't be so hard on yourself. Lean on other mamas who have been through it!
Thank you stina I really appreciate your support and honesty thanks for sharing how you feel with this stuff as well.
DeleteHey Bronte!
ReplyDeleteI was young and single when I had Bella. I think no matter what age you are when you have kids tho it's very frustrating! You do feel the love and the support from people, but they are not there in the moment, only you are. It's very frustrating when a little person comes into your life that doesn't know how to handle their own emotions and can't tell you how they feel, if they're hurt or lonely, or just want their mommy. Sometimes as parents, A LOT as parents we do things that we wish we could take back, or say things or even feels things! I went through exactly what you are going through so add another mommy to your list that has been where you are now and still am at times I can admit! Being a parents is HARD. It's not easy and it doesn't get easier, but how you handle your situations is where it is all at. I received the same advice and I believe that it is timeless! You're tired and frustrated and they don't stop crying, but it's okay to set them down in a safe place, their crib and walk away to calm down. It's okay to call a friend and say I'm struggling please come over, and if you can't please just talk me through this. It;s so important to have a strong support system in you life!
Someone also told me this when I was going through a similar time. No matter how bad I feel for what I have done, said or thought our kids have this ability to love unconditionally. They aren't mad at us and they don't hold it against us! Allowing ourselves to hold onto that sadness and frustration in ourselves in purely selfish and allowing the devil to have a foot hold in our lives to bring us down into a depressive hole. Totally cliche, and seriously hard to do, but at some point we have to be able to let it go and not let our feelings about ourselves hold us back! :) Sometimes I still have feelings of being a bad parent, or what would it be like to just not have her, but if I sit and dwell on it for too long it really does depress me!
<3 It's hard, but you're doing such an amazing job and you are such a good mommy! I'll be praying for you!!
Thanks Jessica, I know that it is the devil trying to get me. Thanks for sharing I appreciate you. It has been hard and I know that I need to take it a day at a time and I have been. Thank you so much!
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